Reflective...
posted by Patty James @ 2:20pm, Monday 5 April 2010.
I am sitting in a rocking chair on a stone porch in the woods in Virginia listening to the crows and feeling reflective, perhaps because it’s my birthday tomorrow.
As I get older I feel more of a desire-a need actually- to
speak the truth to those closet to me. I have few regrets in my life, but
acknowledging past behaviors and for lack of a better word, habits, that no
longer serve me and certainly didn’t/don't serve those around me is important and necessary. I expected people to somehow know what
I was thinking and therefore what I needed. How could anyone do that? From the
men in my life to my children, family and friends, I withheld important
thoughts and feelings and in doing so built resentments and walls-no one’s fault but
mine. The flip side is that I can definitely be over powering. A bit of a dichotomy. Not a good combination of traits...
What I have discovered as years go by is that the truth-the truth as I see it, up for interpretation, of course-is simply easier. This is what I’m thinking; this is what I need or what I would like. I say this and then you say your truth, or the other way around. So much easier and more satisfying.
Part of this process is trusting those who love you to accept you. That’s the hard part, especially if you are like me and you have a very distinct knowing of all of your faults. I understand that I am bull-headed, impulsive, and can and probably do, bowl the average person over. I know I need to slow down and consider how my behavior affects others before I affect others. I have expected (most likely) people in my life to go on whatever ride I was on when it might not have been their journey. That’s selfish and I am going to try hard to change that part of me.
Acknowledging who I am and wanting to change into a better person is the first step I suppose. This is my goal for this next year of my life. I will speak my truth, softly, to those around me so no one has to guess. I want to be a grown-up the rest of my life.
Comments
Never a better time to reflect than on your birthday however, speaking as a real and true friend I have never known you to ever be anything but true and honest. I understand that when you do have very high ideals that it is really difficult to have patience with people who fall short of our ideals but because we hold ourselves to a higher standard we think every one else should. Sometimes high standards are in the eye of the beholder. The thing is, I would never doubt that you would ever say anything but your truth. That's what makes you the friend that you are, trustworthy and honest to a fault. As usual I have to beseach you to not be so hard on yourself. You have my great admiration and you are an example to look up to (except for the panty thing). Happy Birthday true friend and thanks for everything you do for me. Love N
nlazark - 9:51pm, Monday 5 April 2010.
Submit Your Comment
You are not logged in.