An intense afternoon....and food for thought

posted by Patty James @ 7:03pm, Tuesday 4 May 2010.

Read on, but know some things will be upsetting…

Today I had a TV interview, walked the dogs a few times, started a couple new articles, did some consulting work, and counseled someone on nutrition, just to name a few things! I decided to have a beer at the bar in the atrium here at the Sheraton in Philadelphia. I actually had one last night too, so that’s it for me until I get to New York next week-the whole moderation thing…

So a couple comes over to the edge of the bar where I’m (basically) hiding behind a pillar and each order a drink.  Since they are a foot away from me, we chitchat for a few minutes, and then chitchat turns into more serious details about our respective lives. Where we live, what we do or what we would like to do, how they met (Match.com -she loves sports-he was sold after that…) our kids, on and on. When the conversation turned to kids,  he was very candid about what has happened in their lives.  This is even hard to write…a trusted family friend molested  (more details I won’t share) 4 out of his 5 daughters, the youngest being 10 years old.  He is sitting there telling me this. How do express enough outrage? You can’t. How can you be sorry enough? You can’t.  All you can do is listen, really listen, and read between the lines and speak your heart when appropriate….it wasn’t somehow their fault. They couldn’t have known…. This, of course, is what is eating them up and what they needed to hear. The fact is it’s the truth. This was a family friend; teenagers are renown for being sullen. No one would have put it together.

We exchanged email addresses and have already corresponded. Right now they are behind home plate at the Philly’s game. Some well deserved down time to regroup.

I can’t stop thinking about this. I meet these wonderful people, we talk and they trust me-a stranger only hours before-with such intense and intimate details of their lives. I have done this myself. It’s fascinating really; sometimes we can just sense something about a person. We somehow simply ‘know’ them or else understand on a gut level that we want to know them.  We trust them. What makes them/us accessible? What makes people trust us and why do we trust? What makes us friends? For that matter, what is a friend? So many thoughts this afternoon.

I think that being open brings us closer to people. When you are open about all of your mistakes or missteps, you are more real. You give people permission to be open and real themselves.  Yes, you open yourself to potential hurt if your radar was wrong, but frankly, you also open yourself up to more friends and surround yourself with love. It’s worth the risk.

So what is a friend? Will this couple and I continue to correspond? I hope so. On my journey, I have met people I know are friends and some that are acquaintances.  Both are wonderful, but friends last. There sometimes is ‘something’ about some people that makes you know they are in the friend category. It can be simply caring enough to staying in contact. Sincere contact is a sign of a friend. Sharon is my prime example of this. I met her in January and she emails or calls me once a week. I am not an afterthought. I am a friend. We are friends. It goes both ways.

A friend to me is someone I can trust with my feelings and with my heart. I can say whatever I want without fear of being judged or misunderstood. No fear of having those words that perhaps you only meant that moment in time reincarnated later. Friends understand when we are simply venting, as this couple was today.  Friends call sometimes when there is nothing to say, but just want company. Friends are there when we need them in good times as well as trying times. Friends can tell us when we’re out of line and when they say that to us, we know it’s true. You don’t have to calculate your words with a real friend. Friends give each other space when they need it and are there when they come back.  Friends also allow us to be friends back. They let us give of ourselves; they trust us with their feelings. It has to be a two way street.

I’m sure I could think of more, but right now this has just been my food for thought today. Meeting them and listening to their story has cleared some things up for me personally with others in my life. I listened to them and perhaps gave them what they needed today, but they gave me something as well- clarity on some personal fronts. Tonight I will have them and their families in my thoughts. Personally, I believe we were meant to meet. We gave each other something we needed today.

I would love to know what being a friend and having a friend means to you. Do you think men and women have different versions of friendship?