Why I'm here, and why are you?

posted by Patty James @ 4:16pm, Wednesday 19 May 2010.

My poor family and friends (same thing for me) ...little did anyone know when they entered my life, that they could at any time be part of an article or some public self-discovery. Nancy and I had an hour long conversation today. I always hog the conversation (we'll get to the pattern article in a sec) but people keep asking me questions and I keep answering and going off on tangents and pretty soon an hour has passed. When I brought this up to Nancy today, she said...but nothing happens in Sebastopol, your life is much more interesting. Personally, I think I just can't shut it off, like a leaky faucet. Why are all you people still my friends? Saints, all of you...

I mentioned that I knew why I had to come here to Bar Harbor. Between St. Augustine and Bar Harbor, I grew up. Truly. I feel it in my core as real as anything. What does this mean? I'll tell you-big surprise there. I need to digress for a moment. I write all this stuff never knowing who is reading it or why I am writing it in the first place. You'd think I really should keep a journal as at first glance, this has nothing to do with STL and kids, but it does actually. I am more compassionate and wiser than I have ever been. This rubs off on all areas of my life. In case you forget later, this is the moral to the story.

Before I left home, I knew I would spend time in St. Augustine, Florida and Bar Harbor, Maine, but I didn't know why. St. Augustine was all about Gary. As you know we met in New Orleans and even though we barely knew each other, we felt a connection and spent a wonderful week together in St. Augustine as part of our individual journeys. That week was a real awakening for me. I felt beautiful, appealing, and as we promised each other honesty above all, I felt like I had a friend, who just happened to be a man. It was a beautiful week and it was hard to say goodbye. I was a bit scared and more than a bit of a jerk a time or two (a weird self-protection thing) but was aware enough to recognize it (after he sweetly pointed it out) and apologize. I have apologized many times in my life, often times for things I didn't do, but this was the first time I asked for forgiveness. Have you ever asked someone to forgive you when you've hurt their feelings? It's the right thing to do. My one experience in doing this is that people (Gary) will forgive you when you ask for it and graciously so. That was my first lesson.

Later we met in North Carolina and after that he went home and I continued on my journey. This is where I started to spin thoughts in my head. I wasn't sure where to put this friendship/connection, for lack of better words. (More lessons here, do you see them? Why we do have to put a label on a relationship? Why did I have to 'put it' anywhere?)  Anyway... I shifted. It was slight, but still, there was a shift. Here's why. Patterns. Suddenly I recognized them. I can't speak for poor Gary, who if he reads this, I will never hear from again, so I won't, but suffice it to say that when I noticed how I was reacting to him, I changed. Just like that. Really, just like that. If I never hear from him again, I'll be thankful for our time together and if I do, I will be thankful for time we might spend together. I feel like a real friend, like a grown-up. I want whatever is best for each and both of us and I'm good whatever that is. That is not being laissez-faire, but in my new world, it's what seems right. He was the catalyst for my personal growth. Oddly enough, I feel more confident, more open, a better friend and more loving in all areas of my life.

Bar Harbor is where I stepped into myself.