Dress was never put on

posted by Patty James @ 7:51am, Monday 21 June 2010.

On my last post, I was about to put on my dress to go to the church to interview kids. Remember, they asked me to come yesterday morning instead of evening, so I haul you know what to get to Wichita. Judy is the wonderful woman who lives in Oklahoma City (from Wichita) who, with her brother-in-law in Wichita, set up the interviews. He is supposed to call me to give me the address Sunday morning, so when 8:30 comes and goes, I call Judy and let her know I haven't heard from him. She's puzzled, calls him and then calls me back, obviously mortified. Her brother in law, to put it succinctly, dropped the ball. He had his niece over, who strained her back the night before and didn't finish the arrangements. Of course as Judy and I know, the night before was no time to still be working on this and we both thought it was all set, especially after he asked me to come early.

There are more details, mostly about Judy frantically trying to arrange something, but unable to do so. Of course this is not her fault, she really tried and I tried to convince her not to feel bad. We hang up. I sit at the table in the R.V. and just stare for a while. I can not tell you how disappointed I am and, of course, I go to my emotion of choice and that is hurt. I take off my robe, put on my shorts and tank top, take the dogs for a last walk, set the GPS for Colorado and head out. I am numb and on auto-pilot.

As I drive through Kansas, there are combines everywhere, often times several side by side cutting wheat and I breathe deeply. That plant-earth smell can help to center. I try to send thought waves to all the bunnies in the field to run little bunnies, run. Granted this throws me off the centered thing a tad, but I can't help myself. The farmers are also cutting hay, sometimes alfalfa, second cutting most likely, and this smell is one of the best.

About 45 minutes from where I began, Judy calls, still upset and again, I talk her down. Not her fault.

I decide not to drive another 10 hours to get to Boulder, my next stop, and to stop more than usual, so the first rest stop stop is only about an hour and a half after I began. We get out of the RV and cross a little bridge at the back of the rest stop. The dogs wander off-leash and I look at the dragonflies in the tall prairie grass.

Back in the R.V., I feel myself getting more and more upset, I shake my head and try to focus on the white clapboard churches in the middle of a hay field-anything-but tears have a mind of their own. I put on my sunglasses so if a trucker drives by and looks over, he doesn't see me crying. I swear I thought this and did this. Even I know this is a bit sick. Disappointment is in every cell in my body. I am thinking that I have had more than my fair share of that emotion, then I tell myself how ridiculous that thought was. Self-pity is really unbecoming. There is also something I do when upset and that is I want to escape. I want to be by myself in a log cabin in the mountains with a stream running next to it. This vision also contains sitting by the stream, note pad in hand, writing. The dimming of the day contains someone to sleep with-just sleep, someone to make me feel safe and cared for. Since I am in the self-pity phase now, I wonder when it was when I actually felt emotionally safe. Long time, years and years. This thought sinks me deeper.

I notice the fencing looks a bit more western as I drive further west and smile.

I pass a town named Lundborg and the shape of the barns look Scandinavian. I think about the people leaving their homes in Sweden only to arrive in the prairies of Kansas. How did this happen? How did they adjust? Were they depressed or happy to be here? Why did they leave? Why here or were they just tired and stopped?

I come across another wind farm. Huge windmills everywhere. Sometimes, there is an old windmill with cows sitting around it in front of the huge new windmills. I guess the new ones aren't really windmills (are they?) I feel the cows and I are a little bit of walking anachronisms; we would both take the old way right now. Haven't snapped myself out of it thus far, have I?

Kansas is windy and I hold on to the steering wheel a little tighter as I slowly gain altitude.

One town has a road runner on it's Welcome to (wherever) sign.

Another town claims they have the world's biggest prairie dog. I wonder if they force-fed a poor little prairie dog and when that one dies, do they force-feed another? A Kansas foie gras thing? I am getting upset thinking about this until I get closer to the town and see that their prairie dog is 8,000 pounds. Whew. I swear these thoughts went through my head.

Maybe music will help clear my head and snap me out of it. I hope no one calls me or I'd have to either be a great actress and fake-happy or completely let go.

Filled up gas again, got a cup of coffee actually-at 2:15 in the afternoon of all things, but they didn't have milk, only the powdered stuff, which I wouldn't do. Black coffee it is I guess. I get in the car, put it in the cup holder and about a mile down the road realize the bottom of the cup leaked. No coffee in cup, coffee in cup holder and dripping down the side. No emotion on my face or in me actually. Whatever.

About 45 minutes down the road I stopped at another green grassy rest stop, let the dogs run, I do some exercises and clean up the coffee.

I am now in Arapaho country. They were bad-a*# in their days if I recall. Then I think about my ex-father-in-law-the first one (how very weird I have had 2) and Grandpa Russ was recently inducted into the Wrestling Hall of Fame. I loose track about how many national titles he won as well as being in 2 Olympics. Kathryn called to chat (I bring her up to date on my day-wow, she says) and she tells me that she was talking to Grandpa recently and that he and Grandma Becky told her to tell me they missed me. After I hang up this thought started the tears again. It was sweet, bittersweet.

I cross the border into Colorado and let the dogs know we are in a new state.

I'm thinking that I don't need any other bits of news today about families. I pass a town called Russell about now-can you believe it? Now Afghanistan and my son are on my mind. I wonder if my days are generally filled with all this and I just take it in stride. I don't think so.

About now I wonder if I should stop soon as it's already been 8 or 9 hours on the road, but the clouds on the left look a little weird and I think I will continue on and perhaps get out of this storm. There are little tunnel-looking things coming off the big mama cloud. I call Kathryn and ask her to look up the weather report. She calls me back and says, "Mom you should really turn around." Evidently there are tornado warnings right where I am. I knew this of course. Me and all the other drivers looking over at these funnels forming all over the place. Horses running around-not a good sign. I make the decision to keep going-part of the numb thing and Kathryn asks me not to 'do anything stupid.' I keep my eyes out for overpasses to stop under in case and have a plan in case something happens. I can't stop now, so continue on to Boulder. Little dark funnels on both side of the road and my hands are a bit tighter on the steering wheel.

A couple hours later I arrive at the foot of the Rocky Mountains and pull into a parking lot just when Nancy calls me. I have a melt down. She insists I go to her sisters house. I am a day early and no I will not. She doesn't take no for an answer, so I pull into Marilyn's gorgeous house with 200 acres behind her. She greets me with a glass of wine and a hug. We sit outside and chat. I stay in the RV (want to) and this morning, come in the house to see a coffee cup under the spout in the coffee maker and I press a button and a cappuccino comes out. She also fed me hummus and crackers last night-perfect. Quite the hostess.

It's almost 9:00 here now and the dogs and I will go for a walk soon. I am feeling better today, but still a bit numb. I'm quite sure you don't recognize the woman who wrote this, but yesterday was a bit much!

After my walk, I will start to work on getting interviews set up in the western part of Nebraska somewhere as I need another mid-west state.

Kids interviews here Wednesday and then Thursday I head to Nebraska and then to South Dakota.

Next post will be the regular me. A hike in the woods will center me. I know in my heart that everything happens just as it's supposed to; it's all a matter of attitude. I am thankful for so many things and so many people.